Is motherhood our right? Our choice? Or is it our greatest gift and privilege?
I was standing in the train station with 4 other college students as our train pulled up. I looked around to see if we were all there. "Hey, wait, where's Luis??" One of the girls asked, a bit frantically. We had only a few minutes to board our train before it would take off again and to our knowledge this was the last train of the day heading to our much anticipated destination; Lourdes, France.
It had been one of those weeks and I was sitting with the Lord in the adoration chapel, trying to sort through the mud and muck going on in my heart and mind.
"Lord, "I whispered. "No one desires me, no one is seeking me out, I feel so ugly and unwanted, not pursued, no one sees me or cares to..." With tired eyes, fighting back tears, I looked at Him and He looked at me.
The Lord is funny. He knows us so well and it's always both entertaining and aggravating when He uses His knowledge of us to help us know ourselves.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a deep thinker and one of my favorite questions to ask is "Why?" I've learned when I'm hurt, angry or upset about someone or a situation, that if I can stop and internally ask myself "Why?... Why did that upset, hurt or anger me so much?" I can eventually get to the root of that emotion and I usually find it has nothing to do with the current situation and everything to do with a deeper wound that the Lord wants to heal.
True to form, in my heart I felt Jesus ask me: "Why, Maria? Why do you feel what you are feeling?" I sat there in silence for a few moments as all these thoughts came into my head and emotions flittered through my heart.
I realized there was someone in my life (with whom I was meant to have a truly close, beautiful relationship) whom I had felt deeply hurt by for a long time. Although I loved this person very deeply, I felt for many years unseen, unloved, and unwanted in our relationship, and striving to earn my worth.
I thought to myself: "Well, maybe if I was this, or if I did that, THEN this person would surely want me and reach out to me regularly." So I did, did, did and tried, tried, tried to be what I thought would make me valuable, act how this one would want me to act. THEN maybe I would be seen, wanted, pursued, loved.
I started crying as these thoughts played in my head like a loud, obnoxious, out-of-tune orchestra. How do you reconcile with the fact that someone, who was meant to love you and want you no matter what, doesn't seem to?
I began to think: "Jesus, if there is someone who SHOULD want me, who should reach out to me because of who we are in relation to each other, does not and will not... Then why would anyone actively choose me? How can I ever expect to be chosen? To be enough? To be worth someone's time? To be loved? Because clearly, I'm not."
Ladies, have you ever felt that? Have you had that conversation either in your head or heart, with a friend, or with the Lord? And that is when He spoke. He always knows the right words and the right moments to speak truth into those lies that the evil one wants us to believe.
"My Maria, you are wanted. You are loved. You are desired. You are enough. You're not too much....I want you. I WANT you. I want YOU. You don't need to do anything, or be anything, or act a certain way. It's simple. You're my daughter and I love you. I choose you and I'll never stop pursuing you."
And there. Those words. They implanted deeply in my heart in that moment as the tears streamed down my face like a waterfall. I walked out of the chapel, not with all the answers, but with a confidence that I was loved. Wanted. Desired. All the rest would play out in His beautiful time and plan. But for now, that was enough.
Ladies, I don't know the wounds of your heart. I don't know who in your life doesn't want you, love you or pursue you the way they should and the way you deserve. But I do know those words He spoke to me that day weren't just for me. They are for each one of us in a very specific, special way.
No matter where we are in life: whether we are wives, moms, single ladies, sisters, daughters... He wants us. He loves us. He pursues us. Not because we get it right. But because we are His.
And guess what? He's teaching us to love others like that. And as He purifies our own hearts and as we open to receive Him and allow Him to fill us and love us like that, only then can we also give that kind of love to others and be gifts to one another in whatever capacity the Father calls us to.
If you're having one of those days, or weeks, know you're not alone. We are in this together and the Father sees, desires, wants and pursues YOU.
Be His! -Maria Spears
We all have “Augustines” in our lives. Those people, places, things we chase and chase with our prayers. And sometimes, like St. Monica, we are waiting and waiting for God to hear and answer us. Maria, Christine and I came together during a time of waiting in our lives, a time of unanswered prayer... And from this His Own was born.